Sneaking a Peek: Is It OK to Read Your Kids' Text Messages?

When does parenting become spying? It's a question that comes up often in this age of mobile kids with virtual social lives. But the answer is rarely straightforward.

A parent recently asked Common Sense Media (CSM) if it's OK for parents to read their kids' texts to make sure they're not getting into trouble. The response, by CSM's parenting editor Caroline Knorr, was a bit nuanced.

In short, Knorr wrote, it's essential to discuss responsible cell phone behavior with your children — and do this in the beginning, when you first hand a child a phone — and to set consequences for breaking the rules. And yes, you need to keep an eye on their cell phone behavior. But as far as outright reading their texts? "There's no absolute right answer here," Knorr wrote. "It depends on your kid's age, personality, and behavior."

Some behaviors will set off louder alarm bells than others. Changes to a child's appearance or actions could mean something is up. If you suspect that your child is going through something bad but won't talk about it, Knorr says, you may have "probable cause" for peeking at texts.

The links throughout Knorr's piece to other CSM articles offer further advice about sexting, responsible texting, setting cellphone use rules and deciding what devices to give your kids when — do they really need a cell phone with texting? At what age? Knorr's "Parents' Guide to Kids and Cell Phones" is a great place to start for help with these questions and many more. See the CSM article "Are You Spying on Your Kid?" too, on walking that fine line between protecting your children and invading their privacy.

And read what some kids had to say in the comments sections, too. "Parents, it's true that we do treat phones like diaries," writes one 13-year-old. "If you go through them without asking, it offends us a little that you don't have trust in us." This young person said it's OK for his or her parents to read texts as long as they ask first. "I love them, but I'd rather they not just read them whenever they feel like it."

Then there's the 11-year-old who simply answered the "Is it OK" question with, "NOOOOOOOO!" No ambiguity there. Other kids who had their own phones at as young as 6 and 8 years old weighed in on the issue, too. Not surprisingly, they had something to say on the matter.